ALL THAT AND A BAG OF NUTs

By L. M. O’Neal

“Oh so troubling are the holidays to a romantic Heart.” LM O’NEAL

The next one; Valentines Day! This is another opportunity to become more thoughtful or less. Well gentlemen, “Man Up and Battle Stations”. To what is the alarm being sounded for, you ask?

On February 14th, the love of your life or main squeeze will be expecting something personal or private from you that is only for her. That could vary as widely as the stars in the sky. However, You Dear Man, must figure out what it is that gives her that inner warm glow. Discovering what elevates her heart beat “is the cause for alarm”. Get  it right and “YOU’RE THE MAN”. Get it wrong and you are the turd that she’s stuck with.

By the way, some of you guys may have the kind of woman you would be wise to dump immediately and before V. D. Day. These women have negative attributes that some shrinks fear to entangle.

The first one of these are the Female Assassin capable of killing your hopes, dreams, will and desire. She can do it all and still keep a smile on her face and make the grocery list while making “Wild and Passionate Love” to you.

Second, you have the Villainous Female which is first Cousin to Mayhem. If something goes wrong, its your fault or she will say it is. Or you are the cause of the problem. This one is particularly dangerous around Valentines Day. If she doesn’t get chocolates, jewelry and roses, you will be the weiner on the grill come 4th of July. Thats right, months and months of torment.

But if you have one of those ladies of DECEPTION you are in deep Doo Doo. This third type is emotionally dangerous. You may know she is lying to you on a regular basis about almost any and everything. But she is just so incredible you don’t think you can live without her. News Flash! Are you sure you want to live with someone who lies more often and better than you? Think about it. You may tell “Little white lies” that will get you in the dog house when she discovers you lied but, it’s worth the risk. She on the other hand, loves to be DECEPTIVE.

However, Deceptive keeps bad company with Vindictive. This is type number four and I pray you are not the poor slob with one of these. Vindictiveness is not human, she only appears to be. She may appear to be beautiful, sexy and smart in the beginning but, what you fail to understand is she’s extremely dangerous as you will discover.

Vindictive will warmly accept your flowers, candies and jewelry. She will shower you with words and actions of appreciation while planning ways to make you pay for some real or imagined wrong you’ve done in the distant past. This offense committed or not committed by you is one she hopes you’ve long forgotten, but she hasn’t. When she feels the time is right, she will have her revenge. This opens the door for number five, MS Sociopath.

MS Sociopath is more dangerous than any of the afore mentioned. First you must understand what a Sociopath is. By definition a sociopath will hurt whom ever they have to, go where ever they think they need go and do what ever is required to get what they want. They have no regard for feelings of others nor the consequences of their actions and decisions. She lacks concern or care about she actions on others.

For example, if she decides you should get the promotion into management, she could find a way to have sex with your boss and then black mail him or her into giving you the promotion. And do so with no regrets. She got what she wanted which was you a promotion. Keep in mind however, this act or similar actions will also screw you. This type believes in and often practices “CATCH AND RELEASE”. Having you is just part of her personal gain.

Speaking of sex. We also have the Cougar. She is number six and usually appears  polished, poised, stylish and has her own kind of attractiveness. She will mentally and emotionally eat your heart and soul before you can get out of bed.

Cougars are often “women older than their prey”.  They are on the prowl day and night. They are always watching for that tasty “underling to be cradled, nurtured, possessed, controlled and if necessary, consumed.” In most cases the poor guy won’t know what hit him. Before he knows it, she is all over his life, his lifestyle and controlling it and him. She will gladly take his gifts, candies and flowers. Then she will skillfully instruct him on the ones he should have gotten her.

Cougars can be a lot of fun and danger. If they know you know their scheme and what she is capable of, they usually move with more caution. This way the relationship last longer and they have a challenge.

The bottom line is Valentines Day is coming and you need to pay attention to your lady now. Try to determine what will make her proud. If you can afford  to give a gift that is specificlly for her. Please guys – don’t buy her chocolates if she is dieting. Like I said if you get it right, “YOU’RE THE MAN!”

If you think it don’t matter what she wants or how she feels about your gift or lack thereof, you aren’t worth having anyway. Good Luck, and Happy Valentines Day.

“Who Let Those Dogs Out”

By L. M. O’Neal

Summer is on the way. The male mouth is salivating with anticipation of the sweet taste of summer. Muscles not used for months are now flexing. Desires kept at bay for an entire winter are now swelling and straining against their restraints. Yes. That is the man thing that is happening.

Months of restraint and suffering are melting away and the real, true beast is coming to the surface. His eyes are searching the crowds eagerly looking for that one female brave enough to expose skin just before the weather breaks into spring.

If this seems a little too graphic, think about it. This could be the situation for men seeking women or women seeking men. Lust is rising as surly as sap rises in a tree just before it starts to bud but, a danger lerks in the shadows.

The danger is the one you’ve been stuck with all winter. He or she is not the one you wanted but, the one you were with.

This may be a cruel thing to say but, dump the problem and do it quickly. Even if you must surrender all your earthly possessions to be free, do so and do it gladly. What you are giving up is just stuff and you can always get more stuff.

But, hold on a minute. If what you see as dead weight is your spouse, you will be very wise to stay put, especially if you have kids. There is nothing worse than a person taking off to “Find Themselves” and dumping their kids like just so much luggage.

You can’t just dump your spouse and kids. You helped make those children, now have the balls and backbone to stick it out to see them to adult hood.

Now, if you are not married, hit the highway, the low way or any way you wish to get out. In fact, to be honest, the other person may be relieved that you are gone. You may not be the best fit for them and are nothing more than dead weight in their lives. The leach may be you. You may be the problem in the relationship, if you are, please leave soon.

So what does this really mean? It means before you hit the door in search of that long hot summer romance, remember when winter comes, and it will come again, you may be out in the cold. If you’ve been the problem, Dress Warm, it could be a long winter.

Yo Dude, Did YOU Get It Right

By L. M. O’Neal

Judging by the calendar, V-DAY has passed and, if you are reading this, you are still among the living. But, a question must be asked; “Did you make her happy on Valentine’s Day?”

If not, you still may have her birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas to redeem yourself. That is, if she wants to keep you around. If this sounds a little harsh, it’s no accident. If you forgot the flowers, the candy or something else that would make her smile, your “man cave” is now “your Dog House”, and you deserve it. Now let’s move on.

Even though February is the shortest month of the year, it has no shortage of holidays and it is a love month. Consider this, February 5th, was Super Bowl Sunday (football lovers’ day). February 12th was the Grammy Awards (entertainment lovers’ day). February 13th was World Radio Day, that speaks for itself. February 14 was a double, Valentine’s Day for the Sweet Hearts and International Condom Day (for the long haul romantics or Catch and Release Program).

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February 20th will be Presidents Day. This is not just for the current President. February 21 is International Mother Language Day. You knew you were in trouble when she used you full name in any language.

February 22 is National Margarita Day (Love to Drink). February 26 is Academy Awards ( Another day for fake reality). And, February 28 is another double; Shrove Tuesday – Pancake Day and Mardi Gras (Love to party and eat). After all the eating, drinking and sex, you may want to try recovering from all this fun with Click Here!

So you see, February is not only usually cold but, it offers a few chances to eat too much, use condoms, be patriotic and party afterwards like it never happened. Look out March, here we come.

 

Don’t Forget its Cold Outside

By L. M. O’Neal

February 14th is fast approaching, or have you missed the hints of your spouse, mate or significant other. You know, those little comments like; “oh that’s so cute” or “hey, that is so cool”. Comments such as these made over the same thing every time it’s near or done or seen COULD BE A HINT. Which means it could be a clue not to be ignored.


Did you inquire as to why it was cute or cool, or did you just continue on as though nothing was said? Do you really thing she didn’t notice?

If she did, you may be on your way to experiencing the “outside cold”, instead of the inside warmth on Valentine Day. But, why does that matter? I am glad you asked.

Valentine Day, also known as “V – DAY”, is a day that has been missed by more men than can be counted. It is almost as dangerous as missing “Her Birthday” but, none are nearly as fatal as missing “The Anniversary”.

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Let’s break it down to Guy Logic. Valentines Day is a celebrating day for women, mostly. It’s the day they show the world they know how to be chased until they catch the guy they wanted. This is also the day their peers are supposed to be envious, particularly if they haven’t been so fortunate.

It is also a day of celebration for the guys to say “I am so glad I caught you”. That is why flowers and candy sales go through the roof. It is also a day for those forgetful, like me, to redeem themselves for what they failed to offer as Christmas Presents and Gifts to “Her”.

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If it would help keep you guys out of trouble, preorder flowers for her now. Do it today. This way, they are delivered on time and on the right day. You can even have candy or nearly anything else delivered to your #1 Lady.  And, REMEMBER IT IS NOT YOUR DAY, IT IS HERS. NOW GET IT RIGHT.

Bottom line is this. If you forget that February 14th is Valentines Day, you deserve to be in the dog house for a while. And, yes. “It is cold outside” when you are the reason she has cooled off for you.

 

Yo’ Dud – Pay Attention

By L. M. O’Neal

It is now New Year’s Eve, Great, Now what? If you are going out tonight and ring in the New Year, “pay attention to what you are doing, where you are and who is around you.” Especially, pay attention to the lady with you, if you have one.

Women are weird. They literally feel your vibrations, (attitude) what you are really saying or doing. You are going to have to focus on her, so that she FEELS you are with you.

Here is the danger, if you are not focused on her, why should she be focused on you. You are “dis-ing her”. You are making her not feel important. She should dump you like dump you like a busted shoe. This means you have become a liability to her, her dreams and her goals.

Keep this in mind; if you want her to need you – you better make her feel and believe you need her. The truth is, you really do. Man is incomplete without a “good woman. Are you a “Good Man”? Prove it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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MERRY CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The Big day is here. Now, turn down or off your cell phones and spend quality time with your family and friends. If you are alone, go find some people and stop acting like the world has done you a Great dis-service. Unless you are homebound, injail or bed ridden, it is likely mainly your fault you are alone. Suck it up, say I’m sorry and enjoy the season. Remember, CHRISTMAS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON. REMEMBER THAT.

2 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

Guys we are now down to 2, only 2 days till Christmas. How are you going to explain not giving your significant other, no matter if it’s your wife or girlfriend that gift she has repeatedly said she liked, loved or wanted?

Keep in mind, it may be out of your budget or available funds, you must really give this some serious thought and (then) take action. Think about what she has said in the past year. Was there something she really liked? I mean did she repeat it more than twice? If so, you may want to get off your half dead butt and go find it.  But, if it’s out of your reach, try thinking of something she has mentioned that could be a consolation gift and when she opens it, gently and carefully explain you couldn’t get her what she really wanted this year.

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Do this with your most pitiful expression and be sincere. Women are more forgiving if you are honest; “I just didn’t have the money”. If she gets angry, she may dump you and you won’t have to get anything for her next Christmas.

But to avert that disaster, jewelry is almost always a good substitute. Make sure what you get her is just for her. Don’t go to the cheapest place on the corner, but do go shop where you can afford.

If you don’t know it by now, putting a smile on her face can get real expensive. By saying that, keep your cost within reason, but don’t forget. “It get really cold outside.”

Merry Christmas.